The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
