if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
