Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
