I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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