Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
this boner is exhausting
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
