Pappa wants mamma naked
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
