Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
