i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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