He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
