we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
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