I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
