Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
This is my life. Enjoy the view
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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