Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
