My liver just broke up with me...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
