Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
