Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Randomize
