i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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