pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
