Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
