Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
