I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
