I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
