I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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