Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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