Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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