the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
