I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
