A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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