the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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