did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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