The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
