I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize