Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
