Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
