I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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