The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
