I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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