remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
