Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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