and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize