i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
