I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
being pregnant is like rehab
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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