your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
