I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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