I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
