Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
if only i could text you this smell
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
