In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
