Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
