you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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