I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
