We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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