So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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