Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
