if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
